I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
