wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
