RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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