Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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