I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
