after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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