We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Randomize
