is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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