we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
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You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
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I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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