Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
