ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
