the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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