Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i came on her dog
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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