her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
