he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.