Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
