I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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