I accidentally had phone sex last night
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
