there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
