My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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