Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
