The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
