On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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