Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
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And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
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When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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