He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
