I think I won the penis lottery.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
