today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
