I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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