What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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