I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
