You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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