i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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