He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
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How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
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Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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