o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
