My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I don't deserve a penis
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Randomize
