apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
