my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
