and next time when you feel me up, do it right
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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