I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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