I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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