I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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