My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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