If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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