I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
