Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
