I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
