I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
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