The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
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She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
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My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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