I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
My ass is underappreciated
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
