I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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