Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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