Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
All I want is dick and wine.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
