I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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