It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
