When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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