Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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